


Healing

by lesdeuxarbres



Category: Holby City
Genre: 30 years marriage AU, Alternate Universe, F/M, Hexanna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 09:10:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16552976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesdeuxarbres/pseuds/lesdeuxarbres
Summary: After the death of Tara Lo, Roxanna comes home to a melancholy Henrik. Set in the universe where Henrik and Roxanna have been married since after med school.





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came from the Roxanna rewatch on Tumblr. A "what if" based on Roxanna's comment to Jac about only meeting Henrik once. Maybe it was an inside joke for them when they work at each other's hospitals. It started off being all about the discussion they may have had...

Roxanna enters the house quietly and gently closes the door. She knows Henrik is home; his car is parked in the driveway. She feels a weariness in her bones, the result of the worst possible scenario for her patient. Not just her patient, Henrik's colleague, perhaps even his friend. Henrik takes his responsibility for the junior doctors at Holby very personally. He knows them all by name and takes their professional and personal development seriously. Tara Lo was no exception. If anything, she had made a greater impression on him than most F1s. Roxanna knows most of those doctors in question would be surprised to hear such a thing, doctors like Jac Naylor who think Henrik's sole purpose in life is to bring her misery and be a thorn in her side.

He is sitting on their sofa in the living room. It's dimly lit as he has decided not to turn on all the lights. Roxanna can see a glass of amber liquid on the coffee table. She knows he has heard her come into the house but he hasn't said anything yet. Grief surrounds him like a fog, and there is an ever so slight slump in his frame. The only sign of a crack in his ever stoic appearance.

From behind the sofa, she wraps her arms around him and rests her head on his shoulders. His hands immediately find her fingers, and he leans down to kiss her hand.

"I'm so sorry, my darling. I'm sorry, couldn't save her for you."

He turns his head slightly to press his face into her hair, and she can feel him inhale deeply trying to take her presence in and allow it to comfort him.

"Don't apologise; it's not your fault. You did everything you could." She knows this is true. It's the very reality of their existence as surgeons. They can do everything humanly possible, and it will still not be enough. But there is a tiny a slither of doubt in her, one that whispers into her mind. _Maybe John could've saved her._

“Tara was a fiery spirit. I really liked her, even when she was being shouty and unreasonable.”

“You know she smashed the windows of her car to bits after her appointment with you.”

"Like I said. Fiery spirit."

"She would have made an excellent consultant."

"It's such a shame. She's was so young." The unspoken implication is as clear a day between them. So young, much like our own kids. She feels the tight squeeze of his larger hand.

"I called the children today."

"Oh? So did I. I told them that I would accept no arguments or rain checks for a Sunday lunch this weekend." It explains by none of her children had even remotely tried to get out of the family gathering. They must have sensed that something was amiss and their father's distress.

"Good. I miss them. Today more than ever." Roxanna remembers how empty the house felt when their youngest left for university. Both she and Henrik suffered from the sudden loss. Neither of them had realised how much joy and laughter from the house had come from children until they were left with a quiet home.

"Me too. It's the nature of parenthood, I think. It's the things we can't protect them from that terrify us the most. "

“Mr and Mrs Lo have been preparing themselves for most of Tara's life. But even that wasn't enough.”

“Tara's poor parents. I can't imagine what they must be feeling.”

“When they were small, it seemed so much easier to protect them."

A comfortable silence falls between them as they are both lost in the memories of their own children. Their tiny hands and feet before they had grown into the adults they were today.

It is Roxanna who breaks their silence, suddenly thinking of someone else who will be grieving too.

"How is Oliver Valentine?"

"As you would expect, distressed and full of grief."

"I suppose, it's a small mercy that they were able to marry beforehand. Although, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose your spouse."

Henrik's hand reaches over to cup her cheek and stroke it tenderly. "For me, it would be like the end of the world. I think I would not be able to go on."

She leans in to kiss him softly. "I feel the same. But know this Henrik. If for some reason, in some unforeseen circumstance, I were to die. I'd want you to go on. To live and be happy, not just for the children but for yourself as well."

Henrik looks upset over her words and seems to try to physically push her away, but she soon realises he's trying to maneuver her around the sofa so that she will be closer to him. Roxanna lets him pull her into his arms, and soon she's practically lying on top of him on the couch.

"I can't imagine any sort of happiness without you."

She raises her self above him to look down at his face. "Oh, I think you've got your rose-tinted spectacles on. We have had the happiest of marriages my love, but I'm sure there have been moments when you wished for your solitude and time away from your naggy wife." Her smile is tired but full of affection for her husband.

“You're not naggy. Very stubborn though, can never take no for an answer an answer.”

“I think you can more than hold your own on the stubbornness scale.” Roxanna kisses his cheek and burrows her nose slightly into his face. She can feel the muscles on his face turn upward and it relieves her to see there is still some good humour left in Henrik on such a dark day.

It's the days where she isn't able to coax a single smile from him that worry her the most. The cloud of depression has followed him for most of their of lives together. And it has always pained her to know that there will be times when her love for him is simply not enough. The really bad days, when he'll push her away and force himself to walk a path alone. He deems himself unworthy of her and is determined not to pull her down with him. Roxanna is so relieved to know that today was not one of those days.

She tries to hug Henrik more tightly, and she can't stop a small tear from escaping her eyes. Tara's death has affected her too. And tonight she needs him just as much as he needs her.

“I just wish I could've saved her.” Henrik presses his lips on her forehead and strokes her face.

“She had the best chance of survival with you as her surgeon. Sometimes as skilled as we are, we cannot prevent nature from taking its course.”

“Maybe my skill wasn't enough. Maybe John could've saved her.” Maybe there was some magic trick John could perform that she hadn't thought of yet.

“I doubt John could've done any more than you.”

“You can't know that.”

“But I do. If there were a way to save her, you would've found it.” It's exactly the sort of thing she would expect him to say but as comforting as his words are, her doubt remains.

“You're tired and upset, it's making you doubt yourself. Why don't you have a bath?” She shakes her head and tries to bury her head deeper into his chest. Enjoying the soothing motions of Henrik's gentle caresses.

"I think I just want to go bed." He slips from underneath her and pulls her up from the couch.

“Let's go to bed then, it's been a long day.”  
Henrik stops to offer her the last of his scotch, which she drains gratefully. 

He leads her up to their bedroom and they both slip into nightly routines, making their way to different sides of the bedroom to change.

Roxanna has removed her work clothes and was picking out a shirt to sleep in when she hears Henrik's presence from behind.

“..Roxanna.”

Warm arms embrace her from behind, and she learns into Henrik. He is in a similar state of undress, having removed his shirt and trousers.

“I need you.”, He murmurs huskily. Henrik presses a soft kiss on her back before starting a trail of kisses from her shoulder to neck. She arches into him to give him better access and hums contentedly.

She turns in his embrace so that she can kiss him on the mouth.“I need you, too.”, She whispers between kisses. She can feel the arousal starting to pulse in her veins.

Henrik maneuvers them to the bed without letting her go. Pressing her into the mattress and removing any further clothing barriers between them.

She lets herself be pulled into their lovemaking and allows it soothe away some of her grief. Roxanna knows Henrik is doing the same. He is gentle and reverent as ever, but there is also something else other than climax he seeks as he thrusts into her.

It's slow and full of emotion as they cling and move together in a long established rhythm between them. Hands seeking skin and mouths drawing out cries of pleasure in each other. Roxanna's legs wrap even more tightly around Henrik as she reaches the edge and tumbles over into ecstasy. Henrik follows her quickly into oblivion, his movements uncontrolled before she feels the extra warmth between them as he groans and collapses on top of her.

There is a quiet buzz in her veins as she tries to catch her breath. Henrik rolls them, so she's lying on top of him, always wary of crushing her with his weight. He has a sated expression on his face as he strokes her arms and leans up to kiss her lazily.  
“I love you.” His voice is quiet, and she can tell he's already falling asleep, exhausted from both the day and their exertions.

Roxanna knows the grief will return tomorrow, but at least he will have had some peace tonight. The thought lightens her heavy heart a little as she follows Henrik into slumber.


End file.
